Losing ones mind

There are many times in life when you stop and look back and carelessly say, "I must have lost my mind.".

I am looking back and not so carelessly saying I really lost my mind for a bit. Stress is... well, stress.

I received a wonderful gift from a knitting friend "The Dame" in the mail and I must say that in many ways she shook me out of my yarn funk. Just today I picked up the needles for the first time in about 5 months. Knitting and dyeing yarn were so tangled in with my life just like the weave of a sweater on the needles. It made me, for an easy word; happy. My friends were knitters and I could escape into my Internet world and yarn business and not have to focus on everything going on around me.

For a lack of words I have been struggling. My family has been struggling and I have finally stopped falling from the cliff and have grabbed a tree root. Now I just have to pull myself up. And, you all know how much I like to exercise... In many ways this is the painful part. Rebuilding, moving on.

My first burst of warmth came with new friendships. Then, with my job at the greenhouse (THANK YOU AUNT FAREN!!) and finally now, the bakery, I had something to give and thankfully they have become yet another family to me.

In many ways, I thought that I had everything before our personal and private disaster struck my family. I have lost more and been through more grief than one person or five people could ever imagine or endure sanely. And with that and my strong belief of karma (sorry Robin) I have received and been gifted so much and stopped focusing on why us.

A friend of mine told me a story from her church: There was a flood and this woman was on her roof. A boat came by and she said she didn't want help because the lord would help her. Then a helicopter came and she refused the ladder because she was waiting for the Lord to save her. She died on that roof. When she got to heaven she asked why she wasn't saved and the lord responded, I sent you a boat and a helicopter....

Another friend said, this must just be a blessing in disguise.

Ok, I am starting to believe... no more floods PLEASE!

A Best friendship, friends closer than any I have ever had since high school and most importantly a concrete connection with my husband have come from this time in my life. There is good in my life. Even my children and I are closer, honest to no cost and I have the warm knowledge that I am on a level with the people I love that so many people don't even know exist. The stress is still there at varying daily levels but now I can lean on all who love me and know that they don't think I am too heavy. No words shock them, for they are just there for us. Arms open. How wonderful.

I still have a firm grasp of my priorities. God (with the help of Robin and Ashley), my wonderful soul mate and husband, my rays of sunshine my children and my friends. I have always had a longer list of priorities but I have shortened the list. Cleaned out the closet. Started over. Tried to tame the anger. Tried to reclaim some pride. I am a work in progress.

I have more gray hair, my husband was quick to point that out. So along with the President's hair mine is just as quick to turn silver. Also, I found a smelly bottle of Miss Cairol that takes care of that business.

I have been thinking a lot about my blog. I have missed it like a death. A lot of my friends enjoyed my daily rants. This little space that is mine has saved me so many times. Just to make one person laugh made it easier for me to move. It was in many ways the only way that I could get things out because verbally they stung so strongly and were so filled with tears and hatred that speaking words made things worse for me and the others around me. Speaking didn't allow me to be as strong as I needed to be. I sit here healing and wonder if this is a good choice and I know, it is a no brainer. This is my release. This is my space and I gently say if you don't like it to please not visit here. But all are welcome.

This is my letter to everyone. My life is not at all like it was or full of my colorful strings, but maybe soon it will be.... For now I am Jenny the Wife, Momma, Friend and Baker. Jenny the Baker works for me. The same funny girl is inside and she is ready to type again. For I need to make people smile again.

So, with much ado about something,

Hello, My name is Jenny.

With many missed days,
hearts,
Jenny